In writing this entry, I suddenly realise that I’d never be making it to 26 thoughts before turning 26, but it doesn’t matter. Nothing matters, like I said before, which is an indication of getting older. And that’s it.
I was watching Closer, the movie starring Natalie, and in an early scene, the protagonists were talking about euphemism in obituaries: “He was a convivial fellow, meaning he was an alcoholic; He valued his privacy – gay; He enjoyed his privacy – raging queen” “What would my euphemism be?” “She was disarming.” It invokes what Susan Sontag said in an interview, and I paraphrase it: I want to collapse everything in the past. I suddenly came to understand how hopelessly valuable it might be if one dies a nobody, with no distortion of any single moment of this life, which could never be possible unless everything is erase or demolished. Traces are already distortions, like memories are already desires.
“Why do precisely these objects which we behold make a world?”
Henry David Thoreau: Walden
Well … here comes the question: What is this “we”? Who is the “we” referring to? Plural forms often indicate company, but aren’t people still isolated when they are seemingly perfectly accompanied, attached with each other? Solitude is the permanent, if not perfect, form of existence. And in a way, death is the best approach in maintaining solitude.
If one could live up to 75 years old, which is quite long (I never imagined I could life that long … ), it’s just 900 month (I know the statement means nothings … ) Then a single pieces of paper with a 30*30 grid might outline a person’s whole life. I was a bit shocked when I first heard about this. I intended to outline my life to see how many little squares have already escaped my grip in this life, but I didn’t. It might be that I didn’t have the courage to do that, let alone I really don’t think I could make my life this long. Anyhow, I was aware a great part of it could have been coloured grey if I use it to indicate the past. As the time comes when I turn 26, another of them will be joining the coloured range. The grids of different people might coincide at certain stage in their lives, never completely overlap though, which correspond to the time they spend together. I should be grateful for all those people who happen to share part of my life grid – all such experience adds up to the most distinctive “moments of being” in life. They are not necessarily happy, but mostly memorable. I, too, share others’ grids. I would be happy if I could slightly add to their happiness, which rarely happens, but for people to whom I’ve brought trouble, I wish I could eventually make up for the mistakes. And if impossible, I wish I might be forgiven. Except for extreme cases, I don’t think people would hurt each other on purpose, and if it accidentally happens, please … forgive, forgive, forgive, forgive, forgive … …