26 thoughts before turning 26 – 3. Circle

I don’t know how pathetic, or how miserable I might seem to be nowadays, but people in the college start to give me clothes. Seriously – gloves, thermo-wears, hats … I was like oh my god, am I really looking that bad? What is happening here? They said to me, Eileen, you don’t have enough clothes, I bring mine for you … Well, I think I should stop advocating the theory of using will power to control the weather. Then when I thought about my phone, which was dead forever and I barely have any communication with anyone, I realised maybe … I did appear to be a bit pathetic recently … but this is not the fact. I mean none of these things matters. Nothing matters.

Never the less, I feel really blessed in the college. I’m perfectly aware that I’m not likeable and a bit weird, but there still are many people who care about me. I can never thank them enough and there’s nothing I could do to return their favours. I don’t really enjoy the sense of circle, because I know people will depart, and this is more true in the college than anywhere else. “People always exchange numbers, addresses … they end up writing once, calling each other once or twice … ” I don’t like that, so I gradually come to realise that detachment might be the best solution to maintain perfect relationships with others. After all, why should people think relationships should last forever?

Maybe I was wrong, or not. Or there’s no such distinction, for everything ends up distorted when it goes to extremes. I wish I won’t, or become aware of it as soon as I do … within this foreseeable life.

“At this moment in history, everything withers in a day; whoever lives too long dies alive.”


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